She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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