If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
