Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
