i wish my penis had a tongue
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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