$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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