I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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