Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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