Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Randomize
