Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
