I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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