he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
We talked him into tasing himself.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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