Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
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the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
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We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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