Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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