i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
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