so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
