It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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