I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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