Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
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sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
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I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month