Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there