i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter