the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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