I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
