I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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