"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
