I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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