Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
