My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
