if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
