I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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