Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
