Girls should come with a carfax report
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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