it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I want to fling myself into the sun
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
