Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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