I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
