New low: just hacked my moms facebook
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
