From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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