Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
