Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
