I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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