I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
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