did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
