It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
