I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
