I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
