Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
