If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Randomize
