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I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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