Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
