he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
