your thong is hanging out like whoa
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
