What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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