I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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