So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
