I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
