planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
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