Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
