Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Randomize
