How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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