i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
