my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
