so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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