True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
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